Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
