So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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