how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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