just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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