Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When did angry sex become our thing?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
