I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
how drunk are you?
Several
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
