Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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