that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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