I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
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When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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