God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
