Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Don't tell me you're on acid again
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
