I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
