The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize