I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
