this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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