i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
BRING THE BAGELS
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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