also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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