drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory