I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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