omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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