U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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