I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
