So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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