she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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