I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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