Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
