i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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