Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
