I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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