the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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