He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
