Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
