Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
