I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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