I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
