i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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