If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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