just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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