I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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