Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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