i think my mom watched the whole time
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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