im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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