My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
