Texts From Last Night

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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

  (1-763): View more from Minnesota

  Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

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  (763): So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time (1-763): Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother. http://tfl.nu/6l4l
  Replies (29) Good night (1183) Bad night (2743)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great

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  (804): Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great http://tfl.nu/xifb
  Replies (26) Good night (5725) Bad night (517)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.

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  (678): Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth. http://tfl.nu/d54p
  Replies (9) Good night (3555) Bad night (1166)
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  (650): View more from California

  Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...

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  (650): Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day... http://tfl.nu/p3lj
  Replies (51) Good night (6586) Bad night (1060)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.

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  (978): i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite. http://tfl.nu/yk7i
  Replies (22) Good night (8186) Bad night (719)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.

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  (740): well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong. http://tfl.nu/972k
  Replies (12) Good night (4548) Bad night (872)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

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  (217): I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats http://tfl.nu/84a1
  Replies (14) Good night (1926) Bad night (2717)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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  (210): She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream," http://tfl.nu/rf9x
  Replies (8) Good night (3531) Bad night (935)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.

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  (270): He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE. http://tfl.nu/8wqq
  Replies (4) Good night (806) Bad night (343)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...

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  (904): And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept... http://tfl.nu/rhyx
  Replies (4) Good night (472) Bad night (255)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left

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  (503): I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left http://tfl.nu/li77
  Replies (3) Good night (519) Bad night (378)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.

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  (202): I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll. http://tfl.nu/zni7
  Replies (6) Good night (694) Bad night (289)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.

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  (801): Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey. http://tfl.nu/71bj
  Replies (2) Good night (626) Bad night (232)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.

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  (406): Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year. http://tfl.nu/tnbc
  Replies (1) Good night (482) Bad night (260)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there

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  (440): For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there http://tfl.nu/aljy
  Replies (0) Good night (224) Bad night (410)

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