i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner