Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
