Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
