I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
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theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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