I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
