Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
