Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
