well I can't set my house on fire every night
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
