You're so nebulous sometimes
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
