Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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