you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
