I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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