Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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