He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
