Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
