God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I can't turn off my feet"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
