So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
