apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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